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To tell you things last minute.

Posted by keayo on Feb 26, 2013 in Naija

Nigerian Parents love to wait til the last minute to tell you things that are pretty important. For this topic, instead of a post, we have a sound byte to show you exactly what we mean. Here at Stuff Nigerian People Like we’re rolling out a new series called “Phone Conversations with Nigerian Parents” that are reenacted by a Mr. Kingsley Ichu. Click Play Below and Enjoy.

 
7

Football (Soccer)

Posted by keayo on Jul 12, 2010 in Naija
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Sani Kaita, if he values his life, will not be returning to Nigeria.

Sani Kaita, if he values his life, will not be returning to Nigeria.

Nothing brings a third world nation together like the game of football (translation: soccer). In fact, in 1967, the two factions involved in the Nigerian Civil War agreed to a forty-eight hour ceasefire so that they could watch Pelé play an exhibition game in Lagos. Yes, you read it correctly…Nigerians paused the Biafran war in order to watch a soccer match and afterward resumed the war. Can you imagine?

The World Cup brings a whole new spectacle of antics and excessive Naija pride from anyone with even an ounce of Nigerian blood; suddenly, you begin to see people out of the woodworks just claiming their Nigerian heritage—people that you didn’t even know liked football suddenly become World Cup commentators. This is the stage where arguably the best of the best are brought together to compete in the game of football and fight for the pride of their country.

Many people believe that the “not so” Super Eagles thoroughly embarrassed Nigeria (once again) this year in the first World Cup ever to be held in Africa. Argentina would have easily slaughtered the Super Eagles if it wasn’t for goalkeeper, Vincent Enyeama’s world-class saves throughout the game. Somehow, Nigeria was able to escape with only a 1-0 loss to the Argentinians. In the next game against Greece, Nigeria scored the first goal of the match and began to celebrate as if they had just won the World Cup itself. Everything was looking great for the Super Eagles until Sani Kaita (currently the most hated man in Nigeria) foolishly kicked at a Greece player after the ball had already gone out of bounds. He was immediately issued a red card, sent off the field, and his team’s morale and level of play went downhill from that point on as they played with only ten men. The Greeks, who had never even scored a goal in their World Cup history, were able to score two goals and win their first-ever World Cup game that day. After a tie in their final game against South Korea, Nigeria packed up their Ghana Must Gos and was sent home, leaving with only one point in the tournament – a pure disgrace. People began to de-pledge their Nigerian allegiances and quickly search for rebound teams to support, while a handful remained loyal to the Super Eagles looking towards a 2014 FIFA comeback. If you still do not understand how seriously we take this sport, do research on the over-reaction of our president. The disgusted President Goodluck Jonathan threatens to suspend the national football team from international play for the next two years.

Super Eagles

Super Eagles

As naija players de try arrange d yawa and kasala way de done bring 4 their ppl make we jus try de pray 4 dem as d kin laf and curse guys go give dem no go b small one even people way poor pass go join curse dem..if life still de sweet Sani Kaita abeg make una tell am make I’m no come back dis Naija…abeg country ppl, make we jus try jolly as we done manage commot d 4-1-9 way we de carry 4 record since…

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85

Answering Rhetorical Questions

Posted by keayo on Jul 2, 2010 in Naija
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Rhetorical Question

Girl: "Can you imagine??" Guy: "No, Imagine what?"

written by Onaedo Achebe

Nigerians, over the years, have demonstrated an inability to identify when a question is rhetorical. Sometimes they identify one but in the true Nigerian nature of wanting to have a say in any and every matter, they answer the question. I am sure if there was a Nigerian dictionary Rhetorical will be listed as follows;

Rhetorical question : No content available, please feel free to answer any and every question, shebi the person axed (read as asked) you?

Let us take the case of Victor, a character most of us can identify with, who comes home with a bad result.

1st case scenario

Mama: Victor, Victor, what is this result ehn? What is this ruport kad (report card)? Are you stupid? Are you stupid?

Victor: (no answer)

Mama: hei, hei, you cannot answer abi? You cannot answer she? 1 year, 6 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 10 hours and 17 seconds ago, when you were suspended from school for insulting your teacher, you could talk o! Now you are deaf and dumb. I have forgiven and ‘forgotten’ about that incident o because that is the type of person I am but now this is too much. My son is now a dullard! You will see stars today when I am done with you. Kisses teeth.

2nd case scenario

Mama: Are you stupid? Are you stupid? Ehn ehn?

Victor: No mama

Rhetorical Question 2

Girl: "Are you a good fútbol playa?" Guy: "HMMMM. Is Kola Nut bitta (bitter)? Is Suya Very Sweet?? Does Goat Meat Require Chewin' STICK????" Girl: "yes, of course." Guy: *blank stare*

Mama: Hei, hei, you have the guts to talk back at me? Do I look like ya mate? I said do I look like ya mate?  You are a very stupid boy Victor, very stupid. You are saying you are not stupid ehn! If you are okoro smart  then why did you bring this type of a result? Answer me before I slap you now (if you answer you will expressly be accused of talking back at her). “I am not stupid,nye nye nye nye nye” (mimicking you in the most annoying voice ever). Idiot boy.

3rd case scenario

Mama: Are you stupid?

Victor: (Confused and wanting no wahala) Yes mama

Mama: Heewo, Victor has killed me o! (Spins around dramatically). Nobody in our family is dull! All of us forst  forst forst (first) in the class. Where did they bring this boy from o! Olodo that admits that he is an Olodo. I am finished! At least you know you are dull, you must have gotten it from your father’s mother’s side of the family , I hope you did not carry her madness too.

Note:  After this don’t blink, shake or move a muscle, if not she will take this as an acknowledgment and as soon as your father comes home, she will surely say that YOU said that you got your dullness from his side of the family and that his mother is mad. Also note that all responses come with a koboko so what exactly is the right answer? (By the way, that was a rhetorical question, I’m sure you already answered it…)

How many times have we been asked ‘are you deaf?’(how will you hear the question if you are?) ‘are you blind? can you not see the soup is burning?’ ( If you were how will you see?!) ‘can you not read? did you not read the price is N500?’ (well if you could read,wouldn’t you have done so?), All with the asker expecting a response?

The Nigerian rhetoric is a thing of great annoyance yet very funny and beautiful in a way only a Nigerian can acknowledge. It may be a culture shock though to the Oyibo who is used to stares being averted when they ask ‘why are you staring?’. The Nigerian will continue staring and will even resort to pointing at your eyes saying  ‘Me? I am not staring o!, you ,which eye did you use to see me?’ Abegi, leave us biko,our I.D  is a green passport or you cannot see again?

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30

Nigerian Functions (Part 1)

Posted by keayo on Jun 26, 2010 in Naija
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In pretty much any culture, accomplishments like birthdays, graduations, and weddings are cause for celebration. These celebrations involve people, music, food and gifts but there are certain signs that will let you know that you’ve just walked into a Nigerian function.

DJ Setup

DJ & MC Setting Up

Now let’s assume that this celebration starts at 5:00 P.M., if you are Nigerian or read the Being Late post, then you know 8:30 P.M. is around the time showers are being taken. This is understandable, people have been talking about this party for months, but we all have things to do. While folks shower up, let’s see what’s going on at the party. Since it’s around 8 the DJ has just finish setting up his equipment in the furthest corner of the hall.

On the opposite wall furthest from the DJ, several mothers are setting up three or four long serving tables and stacking it with aluminum foil containers. These foil containers are filled with different foods; two or three different types of rice to choose from (jollof), puff puff, moi moi still wrapped in the foil it was boiled in, goat meat, fried plantain, five sticks of suya (that ALWAYS run out), scotch eggs, and salaad (which consists of iceberg lettuce and the best and only dressing known to Nigerians: ranch. Some of these things are also served in the large pot they were cooked in (like stock fish or peppa soup). Oh yea, and on the very last table there will be a box of pizza for the kids along with some desserts.  Around this area you will find large trash cans filled with ice and deep in the ice water are bottles of Malt, Coke, Guinness, Heineken, other hot drinks and right next to the bottles of Stout will be packs of Hawaiian punch, Sunkist, and bottled water. (Hold tight children, later tonight your uncles will have you elbow deep in this trash can full of ice, grabbing alcoholic beverages.)

Chin Chin

Chin Chin

Let’s not forget about the snacks, if we move to the main floor, you will see round tables covered with white plastic table cloths and in the middle of each table will be a program and plate of chin chin which will be dished out by the kids while the mothers are setting up the long table. A trick for snacks, boil roasted peanuts still in their shell in water and serve them on each table, you can tell people they are organic peanuts from Nigeria. Folded on the table will be a program that will include these must haves (Introduction of MC, Opening Prayer, Intro of all 50+ High Table Guests, Presentation of Kola Nut, 1 am dinner, and DANCE DANCE DANCE!!!)

Towards the front of the room there will be a “High Table” for the elders and/or guest of honor (they also have not yet arrived). Anyway, this table includes a plate of kola nut that will be broken later, some flowers or roses, and glasses for champagne and palm wine.

The middle of the room is cleared for dancing and there will be a table nearby used to count money collected from the dance floor (we will revisit this later). Always a good idea that the host of the party has someone has alot of One Dollar Bills to give people that only have 20s and 10s, and plenty of plastic grocery bags and boxes to forcefully demand and don on children to collect the rain throughout the night.

Naija Cooler

This is before all the ice and water is added.

Now it’s about 9 o’clock and the MC is arriving right on schedule. You never know how he will look when he arrives. Some have on traditional wear, but if this is a graduation party, he most likely wants to relate to the younger audience so he has on his basketball hat that was purchased from Wal-Mart 10 minutes prior, a black t-shirt with FUBU across the middle, khaki shorts, and of course cotton black socks to match the shirt and sillpass. The MC talks in the microphone throughout the function about what’s happening next while attempting to keep everyone entertained. Now that he’s arrived he picks up the party program so that he can study and prepare what he is going to say. The MC knows that he needs to say UHHHHHHH at least 72 times and other fillers that he can repeat over and over again like ‘this is a joyess occasion’ (and when they say joy-ess they mean joyous).

Empty Floor

Hmm, 9 O'Clock......Where is everybody?

Maybe you are not familiar with Nigerian society and got to the function at the time stated on the flyer. For that I apologize, because I know as soon as you walked in you were confused and probably thought you were in the wrong building because no one was there yet. Well at least no Nigerians have, their may be some white and asian families looking wide eyed/lost/confused as well. Just be patient, you are in the right place and you’ll start to have fun in a few hours (but not before you’re forced to help set-up the tables and chairs).

Stay tuned for the next post about functions because this is just Part 1 of Nigerian Functions. The party hasn’t even started yet.

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154

English

Posted by keayo on Mar 16, 2010 in Naija
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Nigerian people love to naija-fy the English language – if a naija speaker does not use a “dey”, a native-tongue word, or does not speak certain words with a Naija accent then he dey Entah-A TRUH-bol [trouble].   Now to the non-Naija listener, these substitutions, extra words, and interesting pronunciation choices may seem like a completely unnecessary misuse/abuse of the English language.  But, eef you do not unda-stand owa talk, SHARRAP that yuah mout and listen well well . . . . ee-djut..

Sillpass - Slippers

Naija people will double up words in certain phrases to lend emphasis.  For example, to describe a good looking girl, a Naija will describe her as “fine fine”, a little child as “small small”, or a person who is easily led as “follow follow”.   Bicoz why? Naija people also love to hear themselves talk, and saying something twice allows the speaker more words “for come-out mout.”  Na waa ooo…

Naija people have pretty much created a separate language especially for their children.   Common phrases like “Cry….TRUH-bol dey call you”, “make am do kwik [quick]”, or “[*hiss/suck teeth*] no dey take….put eye see [*hiss/suck teeth*]” would probably have Noah Webster turning in his grave.   Because of this, American-born Nigerian children are forced to re-learn simple English words in school.  In fact, most Naija people  can think back to their younger days and remember the following exchange:

Baff - to bathe

Bāf - to bathe

Parent: “My fren, go and BAFF [Bathe]!”
Child: “But I don’t wanna BAFF!”
Parent: “Mm-Wa, BEFORE I COUNT TREE…..WAN!!!! TWO!!!! TWO AND HAFF !!!!! TWO AND WAN QWATA!!!” (Oh yea, did I mention, we also have to re-learn the order of our fractions.)

Special emphasis can be added to any statement by beginning the sentence with “Sef [Self]” or “In fact”. Like in this scenario:

Parent: “In Fact, Don’t Em-BA-RASS Me, in this place”
Child (mutters under breath): “You’re embarrassing yourself….”
Parent (top of lungs): “Hai!, you dey craze?! You haff mout to talk, Ee-DJUT[idiot]; STUPID CHILD OF GOD!”

(Now a conversation like this usually ends up in what Oigbo people may call “Child Abuse” but what we in the Naija community simply call “DETTY SLAPS” [Dirty Slaps].)

Another characteristic found in owa version of English is using one word to cover a variety of similar things. For example, let’s say your moda prepared a delicious meal using nothing but hot payppa [pepper] and salt. You may hear the following exchange at the dinner table:

Dad: “The chicken dey SWEET, sef.”
Child: “How is this sweet?!?!”
Dad: “WAT [What] A [Are] You TALKIN?!?! Na SWEET chicken!”

disthin

Dis'thin - That Thing

Some of you Nigerians reading this still don’t see what’s wrong with that statement, but I am not here to judge you.  You are probably the same ones who have interchangeably used the Naija-English “am” to mean his, it, him, her, she, you and whatever else you fancy.  You’ve also probably used ‘for’ in interesting and different ways.  If you have ever uttered “Come-out for road, useless man!”; “he dey carry am for head”; and “weak for bodi”, please note that ‘for’ is not meant to be used interchangeably with “of, in, on, with, etc.”  (Chei! Make I see why oigbo no unda-stan)

My papa and mama done use my head oh, I done pass 20 and remain small make I clock 30. Till today I no know if na stuck, stalk, or stock fish.

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72

Okada

Posted by keayo on Nov 16, 2009 in Naija
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Written by Yagazie Emezi

You can relax on their backs.

You can relax on their backs.

A true Nigerian is not afraid of all those okada accident stories. Abeg, as far as I am concerned, they do not exist! The Infamous Nigerian Okada Transport System. If you tell your non-Nigerian friends that you used to get on a motocycle to move about, please be sure to describe what it looks like before they start thinking you were on a Harley.There is usually a cluster of them waiting at a junction. Here is a guide on how to pick your okada driver carefully:

1. Do not go for the ones calling you (for the girls). Don’t answer to,”Bebi!”, “Ay! Fine gal!” and the young ones who give what they are convinced is a charming smile.

2. Head for the quiet one (usually old) who is absentmindedly polishing the dullness of his machine. Be sure to ask how much first because they will cheeeeeat you! “Ha! Na 50 naira oh! I no say where you get 20 from!” And they will WAIT for you to go find the other 30. They just might walk into your house if you take too long. So haggle on a price my dear. Remember, this is Nigerian, you NEVER pay the asking price for anything!

It must be bring your kids to work day.

It must be bring your kids to work day.

Okada drivers know how to get EVERYWHERE! Just give them a number. If you have the same travel routine, that absentminded okada man will recognize you and will EXPECT you to walk up to him. An okada can fit many many people so share with your friends! There is no limit!

Now, not all okadas will just be sitting on the road for you. To hail down one you must stick out your hand and look the man dead in the eye. If it is early in the morning, just stand there and look miserable. Maintain eye contact. The okada is fast and sometimes the driver will think that he is in an action movie with his deep corner turns that leave you concerned about your safety. Just enjoy the wind in your face my friend! If it is raining, hide behind the driver because the raindrops will feel like constant and painful stings.

Okada TaxiSigns of a regular okada rider? A nice circular scar on your calf. For the ladies, be careful on getting on okada in a skirt ooooh! A panty shot will be the delight and talk among the drivers for an hour or more. Wait for the driver to tilt the machine and hike up your skirt.There is a certain facial expression that goes with the hiking of a skirt but that’s a different story.

If you have never been on one, remove yourself from house fast fast and find one. They will be waiting for you.

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95

Other People’s Business

Posted by keayo on Nov 6, 2009 in Naija
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written by Lulu

Most Nigerian women (and newly immigrated Nigerian men) spend at least 50% of their free time on the phone gossiping. You may even know some Nigerian people who get jobs where they have access to a phone that they can use to maximize the time they spend gossiping. And what do they really talk about? Other people. Who fits into this category of “other people”? No one is off limits as the subject of conversation – relatives, family friends, colleagues, neighbors, other people’s babies – basically anyone who has ever interacted with this Nigerian person is fair game. There’s never a dull moment when talking to a Nigerian because there’s always something to talk about. Yes, even topics that do not and will not ever concern you are debated for hours and hours.

Whether by Text or Phone Conversation.....

Whether by Text or Phone Conversation.....

I’m pretty sure this scenario isn’t new to anyone: you’re in the room with your mom and it’s well past 7pm, which means she’s been on the phone for at least forty-five minutes by then. All of a sudden, she snaps her fingers above her head and says “I no invite am! Ee go be sey ee don hear about am from that iin friend now!” You automatically know this is an issue that, first, has nothing to do with your mother and, second, has everything to do with some lady she obviously doesn’t like. Nigerian women always dislike someone and then must promptly tell everyone that they dislike said person. But anyway, your mom continues with something like “Wetin I go say now? I no talk to am, ee just dey blow pass anyhow”, which confirms the fact that your mom didn’t even talk to this lady, but is still bitching about her anyway because her presence at the aforementioned party just pisses your mom off…! This conversation between your mom and your aunt, most likely, will go on for anywhere from 2 to 4 hours. The whole basis of this conversation is who invited this lady that your mom doesn’t like to this party that your mom didn’t host. It’s intense. If you stick around long enough, you’ll eventually hear your mom kiss her teeth and say something completely useless like “Shoo. Anyway. I no go talk.” What that means, of course, is that her 2 to 4 hours on this topic are up and it’s time to talk about why your uncle didn’t show up to this party even though he said he would.
Team Gossip

Team Gossip

In East Coast Rap, Christopher Wallace said “the sky is the limit”, in Naija gossip we go dey show am “sky no be limit for wetin you wan talk about”. If person fit talk about another person, do am, if you fit speak about another relationship… abeg, do am, if you wan yarn for person sexual preference, abeg… open your mout. Make I begin list: persons eduation, persons kids, persons pappa na mamma, persons money, persons job, anything… Go an yarn! Dis be d season for de gossipers. Anyone we no get business of der should come and celebrate this whandaful season!

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111

Projecting Their Voices

Posted by keayo on Oct 8, 2009 in Naija
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"Where's the REMOTE!!?!?!?!?!?!?"

"Where's the REMOTE!!?!?!?!?!?!?"

Last week we discussed Nigerian’s love of praise songs, but beware; if you visit a Nigerian church for the first time, you may mistake the Praise & Worship for an early morning yell session. It seems like Nigerians love singing these songs at the top of their lungs, heart, rib cage, throat, etc…. Please don’t let this frighten you, Nigerians love projecting their voices. If it’s not loud, it’s not Nigerian!!!! Open your ears to hear the sounds of Stuff Nigerian People Like.

Has it ever occurred to you that our parents, uncles, and aunts love to make sure their voices are higher than anyone else’s within a half mile radius? Well, this may become a problem when this turns into a competition. Nigerian’s know that who ever has the loudest argument must have the best argument, therefore; they win. Whether it’s speaking to your elementary school teacher, talking on the phone to a best friend, or singing praise songs in church…Nigerians take pride in having the loudest voice.

BIA, COME DOWN!!!

BIA, COME DOWN!!!

As a kid growing up in a Nigerian household, you may hear questions from Oyibo like, “Why is your dad yelling like that on the phone? Is he angry?”. You may even ask yourself “Why is daddy yelling on the phone as if this is a long distance call to Nigeria? He’s ordering Pizza!”

Keep in mind, the same people that love screaming are also the same ones that coined the phrase “Don’t shout on me!”

scream3

AhhhhLO!?

“My friend, no shout on me abeg. If you continue to raise your voice on me, you will no longer have voice to raise”

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332

Praise Songs

Posted by keayo on Sep 25, 2009 in Naija
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Praising the Lord

Praising the Lord

Nigerian people love church. They love going to church, boasting about which church they go to, which church they started, how many uncles they know are pastors – and of course – singing praise songs any chance they can get.

As a Nigerian, you already know this: any function is a function fit for God, so at your wedding, at your birthday, and at your graduation, you better be prepared for some worship. After all the guests arrive about five hours after they were invited, your zealous aunt steps up and says: “Today our daughter/son is a grah-jyu-ettt!” [read: graduate]. What begins as a normal speech slowly turns into: “… and we thank you Jesus for everything…” Which, of course, quickly becomes a chorus of everyone’s favorite: “… oh Lord I am very very grateful!” And so it starts. You cringe, because – wait, why is your aunt even singing? Saying she sounds “horrible” is a little harsh, but you begin to wonder if she can even hear herself. The song would be perfect if she was just… you know, on key.

But no.

Reading Hymns

Reading Hymns

When Nigerian women whip up their songs of praise, their marching, clapping and chanting, being on key is obviously not a top priority. For Nigerian people, the way no prayer is ever long enough, no song is ever loud enough. Even if your voice cracks and you start going off into another octave that no one has ever heard – it doesn’t matter. You better be singing. And have you noticed how your aunt, or the one singer who leads the pack, with the distinctive, high, grating voice always has to start out first? Why can’t it be your cousin – the one who can actually sing? I’m sure God would appreciate the change.

Naija people just dey invent their own octave, the sound/noise come fall between dying bird and baby wey just jump out from mama womb.

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53

Pointing with their lips

Posted by keayo on Sep 15, 2009 in Naija
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When there isn't enough time to use your fingers, just poke out your lips to point.

When there isn't enough time to use your fingers, just poke out your lips to point.

People tend to point at things with their fingers, I mean, it only makes sense. However, Nigerians have created their own way of pointing. It is well known that many Nigerians have been blessed with full, plump lips. However, who would have thought that these pepper soup coolers could be used to POINT??? If you are Nigerian, you have probably witnessed your parents, aunties, uncles, etc. use their lips to point to something. That “something”, which they may refer to as “dis tin‘” is probably within their arms reach, but that’s another story.

Check out the accuracy...

Check out the accuracy... "pepper soup coolers"

A Nigerian father who wants a pen on the desk may turn his head towards the desk, say “get me dat dis tin,” and poke out his lips towards the pen. You think it would be simple enough to just say “get me the pen,” but Nigerians are efficient people. Why waste energy using your voice or silly fingers, when God has blessed our people with ample lips to do the job!

To naija people, definition of a noun na anything wey you fit point with your lips. With these big kine lips wey naija people get, we fit use am point any direction. We fit even use am point from dallas to houston.

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25

Nollywood

Posted by keayo on Sep 11, 2009 in Naija
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The 2 doesn't necessarily mean sequel. It's actually the ending to the movie.

The Nigerian movie industry, also known as Nollywood, is the 2nd largest film industry in the world. They have produced unforgettable classics such as Osuofia in London (1 and 2), One Dollar, and The Master, to name a few. Though this is a $250 million industry that is rapidly expanding and renowned, the quality of these movies, for the most part, has remained the same. Despite the VCD format (not DVD, but VCD, which is basically a CD with video files on it), over-exaggerative acting, and predictable plots, we can’t get enough of “Naija home videos”. If you’ve never watched one before, the following will show you what you should expect.
So you go to your local African Food Mart, (or if you’re in Nigeria, any market, salon, street corner, cyber cafe, etc.) to purchase home videos. How do you decide which one to get? Do you rely on the synopsis of the movie on the back cover? Yeah right! The title might help you, but all that you will find on the cover of a Nigerian movie are pictures of the major characters with their best (or worst) expressions from the movie.

  1. Anyway, you buy the VCD—but wait!! Make sure you inquire about parts 2 and 3. Nigerian movies CANNOT fit in 2 VCDs. Mind you, these are not sequels to Part 1. They are the same movie, just broken up into 6 VCDs. If you don’t ask for the other parts, you will be highly pissed when the movie ends in mid-sentence and a screen pops up saying “TO GOD BE THE GLORY”!
  2. Right when you pop in the VCD, you might just want to turn your volume way down for the first, say 15 minutes, of the video. Why? Previews. For some reason, the previews to other movies are the LOUDEST part of the VCD. Be prepared to hear the fastest-talking Nigerian in the world screaming over annoying 80s computer-generated sounds, fake guns and bombs blasting, car crashes, and other random scenes from the movies.
  3. Nigerian movies may not work on your DVD player. If you don't own a VCD player, try to play it on your laptop.

  4. When the previews are over, make sure you turn your volume up, no, WAY UP, because you won’t be able to hear any of the conversations in the movie if you don’t. Be prepared to adjust your volume accordingly THROUGHOUT the movie, too.
  5. If you get lost during the movie, don’t worry. All the lyrics to the background music explain what is going on: “She is in love with 2 men; Obinna and Mahmoud. She’s Torn Between Two Loves (this happens to be the title of the movie too); she doesn’t know what to do.”
  6. If there is a main character, 9 times out of 10, he is always talking about shipping containers or going overseas for business. However, by the end of the movie, you still don’t know exactly what he did or what he was even shipping.
  7. If there is a hospital scene, you will only see one nurse, one doctor, and the person in a regular bed (no hospital bed with rails) and one IV (drip). The person could have been in a serious car wreck or shot up 50 times and will still manage to survive on that one drip!
  8. Nigerian movie makers fail to maintain a sense of consistency when it comes to the hair and make-up department.  As the movie begins, the main character “Ife” will have long, black, silky hair.  The next morning, however, Ife will have a full head of micro-braids.  Later that evening, her braids have magically disappeared and Ife is now sporting a short, maroon bob.

The more i dey age, the more i dey love my native nollywood movies. No be because the thing dey entertain, but na cus this thing just no dey move with time, dem just dey do dez 80′s kine things. This the kin movie wer i fit act for, if peson go collect naira pass, i fit come chop my own dolla!

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118

Fade Cream

Posted by keayo on Sep 3, 2009 in Naija
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written by Victoria

Fade CreamEver wonder why every so often you will see a middle-aged Nigerian woman who has a face the skin color of Beyoncé, but hands resembling the color of Wesley Snipes? Well, fade cream is the answer. Many Nigerians idolize those of lighter complexion, often referred to as half casts. In every Nigerian food store, there is a section of cosmetics that is made up entirely of fade/bleach creams, lotions, and soaps. While the Anglos are paying big bucks to get tanned skin, Nigerians are paying big bucks to become “whiter” …ironic? What these Nigerian women fail to realize, however, is that they were also born with arms, legs, hands and feet that are surprisingly the same color as their face. So, just some advice for all you naija women (and feel free to pass this on), if you’re going to bleach, do so wisely. Buy an extra bottle or two and chemically damage the rest of your skin as well…hey, be fair (no pun intended).

Now I get one question for my bros, how u fit allow wifey to commot for house with this kine nonsense for skin?

Fade Cream Ad

[These pictures have been photoshoped for comedic effect]

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32

Ghana Must Go

Posted by keayo on Aug 31, 2009 in Naija
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FUN FOR ALL AGES!

FUN FOR ALL AGES!

Though you may have never heard the name, if you grew up in a Nigerian household you have seen one. Every culture has its signature bag. Some cultures make songs about their “duffle bags”, some cultures wear their “fanny packs” proudly around their waist and as Nigerians, we must show pride in our ‘Ghana Must Go(s)’.

Post your funniest comments about what you think may be in these bags, biko.

Post your funniest comments on what you think may be in these bags, biko.

At first sight, you are led to believe this bag is very weak with its wrinkled exterior making it look like a multi-colored paper bag with a zipper and two loop handles. Please don’t let the appearance fool you, if need be, this bag can hold a child and his dog for miles. With a name like ‘Ghana Must Go’ history must be attached to this cheap bag made of woven plastic.

The history of the bag starts back in 1983, when millions of Ghanaians refugees were forced to flee Nigeria due to political pressures. In a rush to pack their things, they resorted to what we now call the ‘Ghana Must Go’. While these events were unfortunate, they lead to a revolution in Nigerian luggage and this craze spread quickly. People started using it to carry their ‘Okrika’ to set up shop at markets. Nigerians packed their whole life into these huge, durable bags until the signature white zipper will no longer zip in order to travel and start their new lives in America or Great Britain.

Now I've seen everything. If Louis Vuitton is making these bags, that means someone paid AT LEAST 200,000 Niara on it.

Now I've seen everything. If Louis Vuitton is making these bags, that means someone paid AT LEAST ₦200,000 for it.

The ‘Ghana Must Go’ is used to carry many things like clothing, stock fish, goat meat, shoes, kitchenware, leaflets,  DJ supplies, car parts, illegally imported spices and whatever else you can fit in there. Go to any international airport, you will probably see a section of Nigerians quickly emptying out their Ghana Must Go because they have exceeded the fifty pound weight limit. (If only they had been on time, they would have had time to carefully seperate their things in a logical manner.)

Some of u naija people dey hold ur noses to this post talking, say ‘my parents not fit carry this kind tacky bag, nah only Louis Vuitton and Gucci dem dey use for luggage’. If this nah the case, go check for ur parents basement and attic, u go surely find one hidden way in the back. Who knows wetin go dey inside am?

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148

Beating Their Children…

Posted by keayo on Aug 27, 2009 in Naija
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Beating by way of Belt

"Idjut! Jesus Christ of Nazareth will weep for you today!"

Nigerian people act as if Child Protective Services (CPS) does not exist. Bad news, in America, it does. Kids these days don’t get the good ole beatings aka Detty (Dirty) Slaps like back in the day. These were accompanied by redundant sayings like, “Keep crying and I will give you something to cry about” and threats to be sent back to Nigeria. These beatings were much anticipated because most of them were a life threatening countdown to a beating…  “I will kill you if you are not here by the time I reach three …. Wán (One), two, three… c’mon now give me that belt”.  I say belt here but Nigerians are accustomed to getting beat by a list of other things from extension cords, switches and shoes to anything in arms length.  In fact, there were countless nights when mischievous children had the honor of fetching their own switch from the tree to enjoy a well deserved beating.

Some beatings are understandable like bad marks in school and misbehavior, but what about those times a child received heavy slap for not greeting a guy that comes over and eats all the food in the house, for handing elders something with the left hand (even though right hand was full of stuff to serve other elders), or chewing gum in church or while praying.

"You Stupid Child Of God! Why Are You CRYING?!?!?!"

"You Stupid Child Of God! Why Are You CRYING?!?!"

Don’t assume that beatings are restricted to just parents or guardians. Acting up in a classroom back in Nigeria is an invitation to get slashes embedded into your back in front of the whole class by your teacher.

Keep crying until you develop tears of blood, yelp and breath as you much want as if you have asthma, you can even play dead and pretend to be sleep but you’ll just be wasting your time. No dey search and try find sympathy, the thing no go get you anywhere with Naija parents, no say if person get body, person for just stand by for the beating wey you no go forget.

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39

Being Late…

Posted by keayo on Aug 22, 2009 in Naija
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In the bathroom at 11 getting ready for a party that started at 9

In the bathroom at 11 getting ready for a party that started at 9

Nigerian people love to find out exactly what time an event starts so they can be a minimum of 5 hours late. This is the buffer time that must be set when planning an event. If your graduation party starts at 4pm on the flyer, make sure the DJ and MC are there by at least 6 because it’s understood that people will be there around or after 9pm. No matter what you DON’T have going on, if you are Nigerian, plan on being as late as possible to fit the breed you belong to.

Can you imagine? My own wedding begins at 2pm, 4pm na de time wey I dey shower, 5pm na hair appointment.

Graduation Party started two hours ago. Please take note at demographic that has arrived.

Graduation Party started two hours ago. Please take note at demographic that has arrived.

Party finally getting started.

Party finally getting started.

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