Other People’s Business

keayo — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 18:50:19 +0000

written by Lulu

Most Nigerian women (and newly immigrated Nigerian men) spend at least 50% of their free time on the phone gossiping. You may even know some Nigerian people who get jobs where they have access to a phone that they can use to maximize the time they spend gossiping. And what do they really talk about? Other people. Who fits into this category of “other people”? No one is off limits as the subject of conversation – relatives, family friends, colleagues, neighbors, other people’s babies – basically anyone who has ever interacted with this Nigerian person is fair game. There’s never a dull moment when talking to a Nigerian because there’s always something to talk about. Yes, even topics that do not and will not ever concern you are debated for hours and hours.

Whether by Text or Phone Conversation.....

I’m pretty sure this scenario isn’t new to anyone: you’re in the room with your mom and it’s well past 7pm, which means she’s been on the phone for at least forty-five minutes by then. All of a sudden, she snaps her fingers above her head and says “I no invite am! Ee go be sey ee don hear about am from that iin friend now!” You automatically know this is an issue that, first, has nothing to do with your mother and, second, has everything to do with some lady she obviously doesn’t like. Nigerian women always dislike someone and then must promptly tell everyone that they dislike said person. But anyway, your mom continues with something like “Wetin I go say now? I no talk to am, ee just dey blow pass anyhow”, which confirms the fact that your mom didn’t even talk to this lady, but is still bitching about her anyway because her presence at the aforementioned party just pisses your mom off…! This conversation between your mom and your aunt, most likely, will go on for anywhere from 2 to 4 hours. The whole basis of this conversation is who invited this lady that your mom doesn’t like to this party that your mom didn’t host. It’s intense. If you stick around long enough, you’ll eventually hear your mom kiss her teeth and say something completely useless like “Shoo. Anyway. I no go talk.” What that means, of course, is that her 2 to 4 hours on this topic are up and it’s time to talk about why your uncle didn’t show up to this party even though he said he would.

Team Gossip

In East Coast Rap, Christopher Wallace said “the sky is the limit”, in Naija gossip we go dey show am “sky no be limit for wetin you wan talk about”. If person fit talk about another person, do am, if you fit speak about another relationship… abeg, do am, if you wan yarn for person sexual preference, abeg… open your mout. Make I begin list: persons eduation, persons kids, persons pappa na mamma, persons money, persons job, anything… Go an yarn! Dis be d season for de gossipers. Anyone we no get business of der should come and celebrate this whandaful season!

Projecting Their Voices

keayo — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 05:00:31 +0000

"Where's the REMOTE!!?!?!?!?!?!?"

Last week we discussed Nigerian’s love of praise songs, but beware; if you visit a Nigerian church for the first time, you may mistake the Praise & Worship for an early morning yell session. It seems like Nigerians love singing these songs at the top of their lungs, heart, rib cage, throat, etc…. Please don’t let this frighten you, Nigerians love projecting their voices. If it’s not loud, it’s not Nigerian!!!! Open your ears to hear the sounds of Stuff Nigerian People Like.

Has it ever occurred to you that our parents, uncles, and aunts love to make sure their voices are higher than anyone else’s within a half mile radius? Well, this may become a problem when this turns into a competition. Nigerian’s know that who ever has the loudest argument must have the best argument, therefore; they win. Whether it’s speaking to your elementary school teacher, talking on the phone to a best friend, or singing praise songs in church…Nigerians take pride in having the loudest voice.

BIA, COME DOWN!!!

As a kid growing up in a Nigerian household, you may hear questions from Oyibo like, “Why is your dad yelling like that on the phone? Is he angry?”. You may even ask yourself “Why is daddy yelling on the phone as if this is a long distance call to Nigeria? He’s ordering Pizza!”

Keep in mind, the same people that love screaming are also the same ones that coined the phrase “Don’t shout on me!”

AhhhhLO!?

“My friend, no shout on me abeg. If you continue to raise your voice on me, you will no longer have voice to raise”

Stuff Nigerian People Like » phone

Other People’s Business

Projecting Their Voices